January 2010. New year, new beginnings and beginnings of new endings. Today I am contemplating how embracing endings can lead to the gift of now as the fear of endings drifts away. My brother, who has been living with Stage IV cancer for 2 1/2 years, is now in the terminal phase. We received this news right around Thanksgiving, processed through the darkest days of the year, celebrated his return from the hospital at Christmas and now, in the New Year, are living with this news. As is he. As are Kathy, Tom and Jenny. And as are all those who love him.
Right now he is with each of us, in body and spirit. My brother is all about being in his body as he used it zealously all his life for sailing, biking, karate, kayaking, rock climbing, hiking, back packing, water skiing, wake boarding, just plain walking at top speed and activities that I am sure I have failed to mention. He pours his spirit into those activities as well as he is a great lover of what he does but his spirit may be a little more visible in his photography and other art work. And, ironically for some, in his lawyering. It is a spirit that greatly values the beauty in each other person and a spirit that respects the life path of each of us. It is a spirit that looks for the humor in every situation. And, now, this spirit is revealing itself to be even more gracious and bountiful with love as it journeys on, briefly, in his body.
The end that is a beginning is coming. Possibly the new beginning comes before the new end. Maybe there are many endings and beginnings during this time or during all times. Maybe the possibility of experiencing an ending as a beginning is happening every moment. It is just harder to embrace when the ending is unwanted. If I cannot embrace the ending, I cannot receive the new beginning. So how do I embrace this ending? Faith is of course the answer but faith in what? That God is? That God loves us? That life will still be full of love after my brother has died? That Kathy and Jenny and Tom will have happy lives without their husband and father? That my parents will be able to live on after their only son has died? That being an only child will be something that I will embrace?
Faith. It is a small word for a very big hope.
