February 10, 2010. 2-10-10. Six days before his 57th birthday. He slipped away about 2:45 AM while Kathy, Tom, Jenny and sister-in-law Sandy loved him. Such a gift they gave him; such a gift he gave them.
And now we are all grieving. Sometimes desperately, sometimes with a whisper that is easily put aside. But the knowledge of grieving is always there; actually it is always here. For now.
I am told it will turn to joyous memories, that it will turn to warm remembrances. I know that is true.
Almost.
For me the truth is that the joyous memories and warm remembrances do become more constant than the grief. But the grief never goes away. Rather it becomes part of me and my understanding of life. Grief increases my focus on what is important, keeps me in the present and loving more often. At least that is what has happened before and I can only hope that will happen again. Because losing my brother, my only sibling, is my hardest loss ever.
I am reading a book a friend gave me that is helping me put words to the experience I am having. Right now it is guilt. Guilt that I did not know my brother better, do more things with him, share my life with him more. I know that is very common feeling and I have had it before as well. It hurts anyway.
I also know that all my emotion can be creative fodder for newness in my own life and in my art. It can also continue to open doors for relationship with others as has been happening through this whole process. This emotion can also lead me to be more gentle with myself and others and more open to God in my life.
Yes. But when?
Faith, still a big word for hope, got me through Will's illness and death. Now we are both on the other side. Where will faith take us?
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